he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
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We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
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After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
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