Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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