UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
