I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
