you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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