Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
