oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Randomize
