i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
