The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
