i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
