I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
