i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Randomize
