first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
You are the jesus of drinking
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize