just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
