your parents love me but you hate me
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
