where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
