I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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