My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Randomize
