"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
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