I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
