I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
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