Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
