grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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