I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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