im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
