how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I think I should start a match.com profile and put "robe lounging" as my only hobby
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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