I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
