the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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