If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
