Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
Randomize
