dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
