i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
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