drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
Randomize
