I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I can feel your judgement through the phone
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
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