my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I just want nice things and good sex
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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