I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
