let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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