My liver just broke up with me...
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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