I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
