I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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