Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Randomize
