just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
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