Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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