how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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