threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
The air was thick with penises
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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