I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
