There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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