Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
