I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
