Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
