My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
The last thing I remember is sitting in a chair and him hand feeding me bell peppers
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
