yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
