I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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