I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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