you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
