i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
