Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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