Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
i always forget guys have bellybuttons
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
