Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
