All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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