I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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