why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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