I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
Randomize
