imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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